I remember not feeling happy about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready at that time to have another baby. I already had Juliet. She was getting on for two years old then. My mum was caring for her because she wasn't Johnny's child – but that's another story – also the problem was that Johnny and I weren't sure where we would be living once we did get married.
Off to the Land of Oz
Johnny's mother was happy for me and Johnny to stay on the caravan with her, and I might have been persuaded to try that for a short time, but Johnny was dead against us being squished up with his mum. She was a huge woman, both in personality and size. Gawd, she had one hell of a temper! So, once Johnny and I were engaged we started to search for a place to rent. I thought we should find a flat not far from my mum in Slough, so that she would be able to babysit for me when I went out to work. Johnny and I were quite hard-up, and I really wasn't happy when he all of a sudden got this bright idea into his head about us pulling up sticks and settling in Australia. The little savings we did have he insisted on spending on a trip out there. I was quite pissed off by him leaving me behind for three months, and I think that's why I ended up having a fling with Neil shortly after Johnny sailed off.
Bun in the Oven
I was even more distraught when Johnny wrote saying that he really liked Australia and wanted us to emigrate there. I didn't want to live at the other end of the bloody earth. I also didn't want to leave my mum and the rest of my family. I was ready to dump Johnny and hoped that my relationship with Neil might turn into something serious. But when I first discovered I was pregnant I thought you were Johnny's. I was hesitant to write and tell him though. I was terrified that he might suspect that I'd been fooling around with someone else. I suppose I was feeling paranoid and guilty, but maybe if I'm honest, maybe deep down I knew you weren't his child.
The Art of Safe Sex
I did consider getting an abortion. You have to remember that in that day and age — the early sixties — a single woman couldn't get her hands on the pill. You had to rely on the man to take the precautions, and it didn't always work out well for the woman. Sometimes the condom was ripped or the bloody thing would come off in the heat of passion. Some men couldn't even put the things on their dicks properly.
Jam Butties 'n' Johnny Problems
I remember that when I made love with Neil on the living room floor of his parents' house in Windsor the Johnny came off inside me. But I never imagined I was carrying his child. I didn't even like Neil that much. He was a bit of a snob, your dad. He thought himself way above me, and he was a bit of a mummy's boy too. He always came to the factory — that's where I met him — with jam sandwiches that his mother had made him for his lunch. I felt sorry for him, really; watching this grown man eat these little jam butties. It couldn't have been very nourishing for him. He was an engineer at Thomson & Waleys, and I just got chatting to him one lunchtime and then he asked me out on a date. For me, he was a bit of company while Johnny was away. Neil had a car, he liked going dancing, and he even took me away to the coast a couple of times.
Dreadful in Bed
Neil did know I was engaged to Johnny. I never lied to him, but it didn't seem to stop either me from having sex with him. I didn't think a small fling would hurt. After all, how could I be sure that Johnny wasn't sleeping with girls in Australia. What's good for the goose has to be good for the gander too. Anyway, Neil was kind to me. I had hoped that something might develop with him, but soon realised we could never have been a serious item. He was rubbish in bed. Neil was also too serious for me. So, I just had a bit of fun with him and then the romance fizzled out shortly before Johnny came back to England. Neil had started seeing some other girl at the factory. Margaret, I think her name was. She worked on the reception desk, so she was more in his league. I was just a lowly factory girl, slogging away on the assembly line. God, that was a backbreaking job.
Raining in my Heart
I remember much later on. I must have been seven or eight months pregnant. My belly was huge with you by then, and I was walking down the road in the pouring rain, heading for the bus stop. Neil passed me in his car. I'm positive he saw me, but he waved, pipped his horn or stopped to offer me a lift. He just ignored me and drove by. He didn't want to know me at all. It makes me wonder if he feared that the baby I was carrying might have been his. He surely couldn't have forgotten that his Johnny came off inside me.
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